Six Reasons Why Coronavirus Cannot Enter Your Body While You Are Eating On A Restaurant Patio with Friends

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

America might be the current epicenter of the global pandemic, packed with neighborhoods considered extremely high risk for getting infected with COVID-19, which has killed 442,000 of us as of February 2021; but reopening outdoor dining is definitely the right thing to do. Isn’t isolating for public health kind of a drag? And don’t you want brunch?? We can totally go have mimosas and smoked salmon toast dripping with handpicked flora just as long as we follow the safe protocol! It will be so safe!

Here are six reasons I know we will be so so safe.

1. The Safest of Ages

You and I are in our teens, twenties, thirties, or forties, so are we going to get this thing?! The boring math humans made charts to show who falls ill, and obviously it’s not us because your age is a singular point of certainty that means you are hipster Thor. Even if your immune system is suppressed because of deep anxiety, exposure to environmental toxins, the frosted circus animal cookie diet, playing misogynist video games, living in late capitalism, systemic racism, radically inadequate healthcare, and people who text you about Hallmark holidays expecting you to enthusiastically respond, do you really think a bug from bats is going to stop your youthful lungs?

2. The Safest of Air

Honestly, the problem is that other people are not taking charge. When I breathe, I breathe hard. I’m the one who tells oxygen where to go. Try this at home: say words while not wearing a face cloth. Is anything even happening? My sense is that the air hangs out in front of my mouth and then vanishes. How would it get into my friend’s mouth anyway if he’s deep into a barbacoa breakfast burrito? You have to wonder why scientists think a viral cloud can expand twelve feet out and hover for up to three hours infecting everyone when we can’t even see that stuff! LOL, scientists.

3. The Safest of Relationships

It’s just a fact that you can’t get infected from the people you love the most. Bring your best bud out for lavender lattes and the gravest danger you’re in is that they’re out of Oatly. Social distancing only applies to people you’re not as good of friends with who don’t totally have you covered. Eating the equivalent of two and a half meals before noon while facing someone means they have your front, your back, and your condiments. If Richard hands me the hot sauce, I fear no disease.

4. The Safest of Protocols

We’re going to enter the restaurant masked, except for if the elastic around our ears gives, our face dick pops out, and we have to adjust using hands that have touched the door handle. We’re going to stay six feet apart through the narrow passageway to the backyard as we bump into all the waitstaff — ‘SUP BRENDA! Then we’ll take our masks off once seated, and everyone nearby will also be maskless and talking eagerly while emitting spit, song, and carbon dioxide because we are having so much safe fun.

5. The Safest of Meals

I know I could get takeout and still support my favorite neighborhood restaurant, but then no one can see me do that in public? Harder to gram or show that I cannot be stopped; not by guns, germs, or cheese. Listen, if they’re opening back up patios to serve meals that has to mean that the one in eight people currently testing positive for coronavirus within blocks of where we’re getting eggs Benedict are kind of irrelevant? Like maybe that would happen anyway, and my super normal activity has zero impact on others. Eww, my nose is running! Probably allergies.

6. The Safest of Refusals To Face My Own Mortality Let Alone That Of Others and Death Itself

Meaning that I exist in a prism of naive self-absorbed ignorance that is really working for my brand as an influencer. Because of my brunch TikToks, kids everywhere are bucking governmental advisories to come get vegan glazed donuts named for punk bands and horchata cold brew together! Nothing bad will actually happen. I mean the air quality’s a little rough because of all the cremations but it’s cool, right? We good! How’s next Sunday again at 11 AM? That’s when everyone shows up.

Actor. Human cockatoo. Recently adopted a child's backpack.

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