I’m Going to Lose Eight With Ape Fruit and Cottage Sees!

Audrey Dundee Hannah
4 min readDec 31, 2022

Toss your retro diet for this amazing new lifestyle plan app for 2023!

Photo by author of banana giving the white glove treatment

Ever laugh uproariously at the ridiculous old-fashioned diets women used to put themselves on to tone up in the new year? It’s downright tragic that anyone would whittle away their days on Earth eating nothing but grapefruit — so bitter! — and cottage cheese — so congealed!

New Year, New Ewww!

We are the empowered humans of the post-modern era. We are full of body neutrality and body positivity and body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody.

We would never subject ourselves to oversized citrus and curds!!

Which is why this year, in order to make smaller versions of ourselves to fit into narrow societal standards, we girlbosses at the company we call KK are living our best lives by eating bananas and looking at tiny rental properties.

Join us in the extremely effective ape fruit and cottage sees lifestyle plan app and make it tight and right in 2023!

Ape Fruit

Let’s be clear that while not all apes have endorsed the banana as their ultimate fruit of choice, and while we don’t personally have simian friends — unfortunately, since we’d sure like to skip our rigid morning routines to monkey around! — we’ve seen a lot of stock photos circulating that suggest that a high percentage do indeed prefer bananas.

Have you ever seen a monkey buying a watermelon at Whole Foods? Exactly.

Cottage Sees

Our founder Karen Squared — the OG KK — wants to clarify that while it’s ideal to view cottages for the second part of the nutritional plan, really any modestly sized domicile will work.

In-law apartment? Yurt? Shack? She-shed? All game for the best zero calorie meal to be had by feasting your eyes!

Eight Loss

It’s not a WEIGHT loss journey we’re all going on — we want you to love yourself!!!!!! 95% of diets don’t work. Any weight lost is often regained within one to five years, and often returns doubled to compensate for the hell you put your poor system through.

Audrey Dundee Hannah

Actor (“Bones,” “9–1–1”), satirist (Slackjaw, Points in Case, Flexx), entrepreneur (of many stripes), community organizer (parrots, googly eyed objects).