I Am Daphne Bridgerton’s Diamond Encrusted Necklace, And I Am Finally Free To Live My Best Life
You may know me from the show Bridgerton, produced by Shonda Rhimes and in keeping with her favorite topics: scandal and anatomy. This show reimagines high society London circa 1813 as inclusive of people of color, and when I was invited to join in I was thrilled to be an ally as well as the only Jewish cast member. You couldn’t tell I am Jewish? Of course; there isn’t one singular look. And let’s be real, I’m not as strict about kashrut or shabbat as I should be. But I am very shiny, and was handpicked by royalty. I am a chosen necklace.
While I anticipated getting exhausted by having Prince Friedrich ferry me around internationally in hopes of slapping me on a potential bride, never did I imagine I’d be given to someone who appears to be about fourteen years old and with the maturity level to match. The Bridgerton fetus squirmed while her mother was placing me around her neck, all the while fretting that perhaps I was too valuable to make my debut in London society. What an oxymoron! How dare she turn my positive into a negative!
Then once we successfully made it to the party — I looked stunning; balls are my happy place — she had the nerve to shudder her way through a hormonally induced anxiety attack culminating in removing and abandoning me atop a low brick wall. I think I speak for all family jewels when I say that we are meant to be embraced on special occasions and allowed to come home to finish the night. Not left like a dangling carat!
Listen, this queen can appreciate a moonlit landscaped garden, okay? I love an evening bloom. I love a trimmed maze. I love a firefly parade — you sparkle, I sparkle! But what last nerve do I have that needs to be worked by getting tossed aside like lye-soaked laundry?
Girl I’m OUT! Can’t go home but definitely can’t remain here. Do you know what it’s been like to be classified as a “tolerated Jew” in Prussia? Like okay I could stay due to last year’s Jewish Emancipation reforms, but am I not already up to my gemstones in Judenhass, or what you in 2021 call “antisemitism”?
OLD (clap) TESTAMENT (clap) LET (clap) MY PEOPLE (clap) GO (clap)!
And don’t get me started on how I could use a good meal now that I’m liberated. The King’s all about putting cucumbers and potatoes on the menu, but for me it’s time for crumpets, biscuits, and some damn cake. Sure I’m gluten-sensitive but just watch me?? I am going to Mayfair really well around here! Even if that clown Cressida snatches me for herself. Especially if. I know last you saw me was in episode four but I am too fabulous to not return for the second series.
For now, this diamond in the rough is unclasping and heading off to sleep in a shrub. Are those two sad rich people doing what I think they’re doing!? I am so over neighbor noise. GUTE NACHT!!!