Have you ever reviewed the messaging in a stack of books you read as a child to unpack the sense of doom you felt growing up in the eighties? My brain still pages through these long overdue check-outs from the library of how to be a girl. Before the work of bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Rebecca Walker, Kate Bornstein, and Naomi Wolf took hold in my heart, I had these suspect texts and their unsubtle anti-feminist lessons.
Bulldozer or maybe nuclear fission to solve the problem?
Dear Tenant Considering Our Extermination Business,
As you know, our mission is to rid you of your ant problem. Who needs a nervous little mermadon parade through the kitchen? You sure don’t! We’re here for you, because we are the only exterminators who took the good care to respond to your building management’s SOS quickly. #Available!!!
Basically if you wanna handle your situation it’s all about us.
That said, you have options, and they are…
Likely you too have that damn glass slipper Cinderella wore wedged into your consciousness, and it’s so tiny — did Prince Charming think he was into a child?! — that you might not notice its translucent nonsense garbaging up your sense of what goes on your feet.
Maybe you’re done thinking that your shoe size should be smaller, or that some dude you just met should propose marriage, or that you even need to upgrade your style past what you personally love.
But then why, oh why why, do so many of us have several dozen pairs of shoes in…
My label says I’m untouched — that I am an Extra Virgin Olive Oil. No heat has emerged from or met my flesh.
At least that’s what they’d like you to believe!
The truth is that I have gotten hot and heavy. In fact, I have been warmed to about 216 degrees Celsius; the flames reaching any and every unrefined particle within me.
The truth is that as a result, I have a higher smoke point than you’d think, and I’ve done it all — burned, inhaled, gotten in between two sheets of pasta.
Isn’t it unfair, though, to say…
It’s not just a case of crabs.
The satire-writing gremlin within me reclines, cuddled in a thrifted flannel bathrobe despite the summer weather.
This creature is totally unwilling to budge.
“Make some jokes,” I suggest. “Say hilarious things in the form of written words that other people can read.”
A terribly cliché eyebrow raise. Then a request. “EYZKREEM?” So this is how we handle late June through July; astrologically known as Cancer season, ruled by the moon, mother, and all the feelings in the whole wide world.
And so we will do the following six things until a certain creature…
Are you exhausted by the dating pool? Do you feel like maybe there aren’t any good men around? They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but quality women don’t mess up their blow-out by swimming. And right now there are billions of cicadas emerging from underground as part of a group called Brood X. So. Hot.
These husky creatures are only seventeen years old; so eek, minors! But honestly, they’re so ready to sing for your love you’d think they’d already graduated college at the top of their a cappella group’s roster. Yes please, dude in a…
For the past two weeks and a few days, I’ve stayed out of my work inbox and kept my auto-responder on official guard duty. I made sure to warn all my clients that this was going to happen, and to take care of everyone before I took flight. No one’s house will set on fire meanwhile. At very least there are no glowing embers that can’t hang tight until I’m back open for business.
You’d think after seventeen straight months of almost no days off — one of the difficulties of being amongst those with a job during the pandemic…
Are you truly delighted when people who you consider to be otherwise thoughtful, mentally sharp humans engage in the at best duplicative and at worst daftly ignorant act of signing their own name to something written in any public form already earmarked as coming from them?
Back in the later aughts when Facebook went from a sparsely populated college town — how awkward it was and self-absorbed it seemed in those days to ask a roommate to take your profile pic! …
Hello, I am exhausted but somehow managed to make twelve baby banana breads I’ve now assigned the job of fixing all my woes! As per this gig economy, they downloaded the app to help but realized their hourly after getting hired would end up being trash and barely tried. Here are all the ways that these muffins decidedly did not solve my current problems.
How much did I truly need the comfort of dessert after hauling all my possessions into my new home in the middle of the pandemic? So very much. Yet these muffins did not deliver. Was there…
Do you know what a bucket hat is?
An accessory only fit for preschool beach castle building. Fodder for Goodwill, where it can hold their stock of tiny unusable purses. Something made popular in the 90s which now emerges en masse decades later like a shoddy gang of exhausted locusts to manipulate Generation Z and the rest of us to look our worst.
THE BASIC BUCKET HAT